Life Goes On.

A friend commented on how my sadness shows in the recent posts I published.  She was right.

But she was not correct in assuming that my "loneliness" brings me unhappiness. On the contrary, my sadness and want for solitude give me breathing space and ultimately regenerate my systems.

I am not depressed.  I am just naturally more at peace communing with the Self.

But the seeking of inner communion doesn't mean I abhor external communication. It is just a matter of choosing the company I go out with.

I love to dance and listen to good music.  I drink occasionally.  I love good movies.  I read quite a bit now.  And I write for my own pleasure. These are my joys. 

When I was still in school and it was time for exams, I would cram and think of the "after exams" scenario, and I would perk up instantly.

So no matter how difficult and grave the situation is, I always tell myself of the "after."

It lessens the worry; it makes for survival. 

I think that's what hope is all about.  When you can look into the 'morrow, and to the future.

That means you look forward.  And are not afraid to look back.  

Sometimes you look back because there were unfinished business left and opportunities which you somehow missed.  Another time, you tell yourself.  

You move on.  You come back. 

HolidayVille.

I can't help but feel sad when I hear Christmas carols.  Especially now while in Manila where the airwaves and even the malls are being ruled by "I'll be Home for Christmas" by the Carpenters.

And when I'm not in Manila and elsewhere in the Globe, Christmas carols always create a lump in my throat.

Yesterday while driving late from Cabanatuan, Nueva Ecija to Manila, we passed by stalls along the Highway selling Christmas lanterns and decors.  What a beautiful sight!  

In Toronto, people start to light their Christmas lights and trees much later, usually first week of December and for some Anglos, putting up the Tree may even be as late as Christmas Eve. 

But thank God, there is one FM station in TO which plays dedicated Christmas carols starting December 1st.

The lack of Toronto radio stations playing carols prompted me to stack up on Christmas CD's. So I have Carols by Glen Miller, Frank Sinatra, the NY Symphony, a Brass Christmas CD, a vocal Christmas CD, one from the Cloistered Nuns of the Poor Clares of Alabama, and two Tagalog Christmas instrumentals.

I'm leaving very soon and will be back in Canada.  I'll spend the Holidays there.  

The planets didn't align.  But last night while driving along the dark highways, the sky was ruled by a Half Moon.

" I'll be looking at the moon and I'll be seeing you."

I Need My Blues.

I don't mean Blues as in music genre; I meant my alone-ness, my solitude.

True.  While in Manila, the ever presence of relatives and friends and the many places and eateries to go to may divert one's attention from the Self. But the longing for solitude, that precious time with one's inner soul lingers on.

I need time alone.  When I can just relax and read and think.

When I was new in Ohio, some younger folks thought I was aloof (anti-social was the word some used). But I was just a new guy in town and the eerie silence of a small Midwest town was deafening and ironic as it was, I was looking for the homegrown night action and gigs, and the "loudness and craziness" of Manila. The HotDogs song Manila  "hinahanap hanap kita Manila, ang ingay mong masakit sa tenga," rang true.

But those many years living in the US and then in Canada inevitably dug into the system. And then, there was my latent sadness and seeking for alone-ness which meant peace and happiness to me. 

I need my blues.  I need to dream. 

KSP Cars and Others.

I remember when I had my first car, a Ford Brenda, and my father told me that owning a car is like having a family.  It is expensive maintaining one. 

After the Ford Brenda, I drove a Beetle.  

And I discovered through the years that I've owned car/s that my father was indeed correct.  Owning and maintaining a car is quite expensive.

Travelling at opposite ends of Manila - Quezon City, Makati, Manila, Paranaque, Pasig, Sta. Ana - is hazardous to one's pocket.  Gasoline is costly.  My full tank costs me at least 2,500 pesos and it lasts two days.  In Toronto, my full tank costs me at least $40-60 CDN.

Then there's the oil change, and other maintenance costs - coolants, brake fluid, transmission fluid, wheel alignment and balance, and batteries.

I have sharp ears when it comes to noise coming from inside and outside of my car - I hear everything.

Then I would think about it. And thinking leads to action and leads to expense.

Like today, I had a wheel alignment done, coolants bought, minor repair.  Plus car wash, and other accessories bought. 

A child seeking attention and compensation from lack of parental attention would have asked for toys - dolls, Playstation, etc.   A car prompts an owner into action without the machine asking for attention. 

I hear the phrase KSP all the time and when I asked what it meant, I was told Kulang sa pansin. 

A car which is kulang sa pansin will bring misery to its owner in the long run.  Which reminds me how I oftentimes suffer from KSP, too. 

Mercy!

After All Has Been Said and Done.

Collage taken from Alan Pagkanlungan Ravalo's Album.

We laid to rest our beloved Mother on Wednesday, November 4th. It was raining when we reached the Aglipayan Church in Mandaluyong where she was given a special blessing.

At the funeral home in Sanctuarium, she had a daily evening Catholic Mass officiated by the friendly chaplain, Fr. Richard.

I recorded several of the masses and the viewing but when we got to the cemetery, my video cam just sent me a message "error." So when I finally viewed my recording, there was nothing recorded at the Aglipayan Church and at the cemetery, but everything else was intact.

I suspect my mother was sort of jealous that I was busy camcording when I should have been grieving properly for her.

Of course, I was grieving. And still am. We all are.

I should have left for Canada on the 3rd of November, but Nanay passed away on the 3oth almost after noon. She probably thought that I would not be able to come back to P.I. if she left this world after Oct. 3oth so she chose to depart before I flew home to Toronto.

When my father died in 2000, I just barely arrived from Toronto.

Everything has been said and done. The final rites, the final goodbyes, the final tears.

We tried to take care of Nanay the best way we could. In the end, she chose to leave at noon
and the evening prior to that, my sister Josie said Mother was at her "best behaviour - at peace."

All has been said and done. But the love and memories will linger and stay forever.

The Silence of Saints.

It was eerie-ly quiet, the streets of Quezon City. Elliptical Road was less dizzying. Quezon Avenue was clear and passable. It was All Saints' Day, November 1st.

I have not celebrated All Saints' Day in Manila for so many years, until yesterday. I went to visit my father's grave and those of other relatives days ahead. So yesterday, I stayed where my mother's body is interred.

Death in a family brings relatives and friends together. Cousin Nina and niece Minet, whom I haven't seen in ages came and so did Tia Sol, and cousin Baby.

"Maliit ka pa nuon," is often heard. "Ilan na ang anak mo, ang apo mo?" too.

"Lamay sa patay," or viewing as it is called in North America, is a unique practise we, Pinoys and also the Chinoys, have.

In the funeral house, I see beautiful and colorful Chinese decors in front of the chapel where a Chinoy is interred. There are Christian and Buddhist ceremonies going on almost every night.

I see food trays being brought continuously. Pinoys and Chinoys share the tradition of feeding their loved ones lavishly. In Canada, Pinoys don't lose this tradition.

During the viewing days, Pinoys feed the people who come along, and especially after the funeral.
My sister prepared a collage - pictures of our mother, with us, with her friends, with our father.

She's beautiful as ever. My Mom.

Bye Beloved Mom.

Below, Nanay (Gloria Torres Fajardo Pagkanlungan)

We bid you adieu in the fall month up North,

Amidst the monsoon rain in Manila,

In the deepest warmth of our hearts,

We say bye beloved Nanay

Within the silence of our hearts,

We cry, yes, but rejoice

For the fullness of your life.

We thank you

We love you

We praise you

We'd miss you

We'll see you, always

In the eyes of one another

In the smiles of your apos

In the stillness of your room

In the joys we'd remember of our childhood

And all the years with you.

We bid you goodbye, dear Nanay.

Eternal love and peace

Be unto you.